THANK YOU FOR CRAZY PEOPLE TLC!

I collect old video games and old arcade games. I have thousands of dollars worth of Star Wars toys that remain unopened. I have a three-car garage that’s so jammed full of crap that I can’t park a car inside it. Sometimes, I talk to my cat in our secret cat language, and he talks back.

But thank you, TLC, for reminding me that on the grand scheme of things, I’m still not bat-shit crazy.

TLC’s new show MY STRANGE ADDICTION focuses on people with strange addictions. How could these people be stranger than a 37-year-old guy who still occasionally plays Atari 2600 games?

Um, yeah. I just watched a show about a lady who is addicted to ventriloquism — as in, she takes her puppets with her to Times Square and talks to strangers with them. She spends $2,000/month on her eight dolls (“my children”), feels sad that they sleep in boxes instead of beds, and doesn’t have a steady job. “My addiction to ventriloquism has also cost me several relationships.” No kidding. (At least once during this episode this girl seemed to have a tough time keeping a straight face and it wouldn’t surprise me to learn that she’s a struggling ventriloquist trying to get some media attention.)

Then I got to meet people who eat chalk, and household cleaner (Comet). The chalk girl was diagnosed with Pita (the same disease that causes some people to crave eating dirt, I believe). The Comet eater was sad to discover on camera that all of her teeth were rotting, and (at least) all of the top ones need to be pulled. YOUR MOUF IS STRONGER THAN DIRT. (Okay, I think that’s Ajax actually.)

I also saw a crazy cat lady who owns 22 cats and is allergic to them (yawn), and two hot chicks who parade around in bikinis and are addicted to tanning. These last two I suspect will be teamed up soon enough and put on their own reality show. I’d watch it.

So yes, TLC, thank you for both the wonderful show and the reminder that I’m not quite as nutty as I might think I am.

Check your local listings to catch one of these other episodes: “Addicted to Sleeping with my Hair Blow Dryer” (turned on), “Addicted to Eating Toilet Paper” (clean, I hope), and “Addicted to Plucking and Eating my Own Hair” (ew). I really wish I were making this up, but I’m not.

A middle-aged guy who still plays Donkey Kong and drives a golf cart out to pick up his mail? Normal city, baby.

(Disclaimer: I used to have a Charlie McCarthy ventriloquist doll when I was a kid. It’s one of the very few things I ever outgrew.)