Learning to Fly

I’ve only flown once since 9/11/01, and boy have things changed since then.

I arrived in Dallas curbside with three bags — one to check (clothes) and two to carry on (laptop and CPAP machine). After paying $2 plus $1 tip to check my bag at the curb, I was informed it was over weight. Aren’t we all? I was informed I could either pay a penalty ($50, I believe) or remove something from the suitcase to lighten it. I removed my heavy coat, which I had packed, and put it over the jacket I was already wearing.. Apparently, that little weight it was enough. I had just taken two Sudafed and one mg of Xanax, so instead of asking any questions or being sarcastic I gathered my senses, nodded, smiled, and moved on.

The line for TSA’s security searches begins inside the airport’s front door. As I approached the X-ray machines I could feel the effects of the drugs taking fact. I tried to look as inconspicuous as a person can look while carrying two bags, wearing two coats, and sweating profusely. After showing my ID and boarding pass I began reading the instructions and following them to the best of my ability. Place your coat(s) in a tub. Check. Place your shoes in a tub. Check. Place your bags in a tub. Check. Remove your laptop and your CPAP from their bags which are in tubs and place them in other tubs. Check. The line of rollers only held six or seven tubs, and I was occupying them all. Now, walk through the metal detector. DING DING DING. Whoops, forgot to take off my belt and my wallet and put those in a tub.

I pass the metal detector, but as I reach for my stuff I hear the following: “Sir, you’ve been randomly selected for additional screening. Please step this way.” So then he tells me to hold my arms out to my side. “I’ll make you a deal,” I said. “I’ll do that, and you hold my pants up.” He said that was not an option, and so as I held my arms out my pants slid down to somewhere between my waist and my knees. Good thing I was wearing clean boxers! After the frisking was over, I didn’t even bother pulling my pants up. I just waddled back to the rollers and began collecting my tubs. I put my CPAP in its bag and freed up one tub. I put my laptop back in its bag, and freed up another. Eventually I got my shoes, coats, and my belt back on. What a wonderful reintroduction to flying.

A few minutes later, I found my gate — A19. I found a chair, set down my bags, and took my second Xanax pill. Moments later, I began falling asleep. I tried playing Gameboy a bit but I found my hand/eye coordination was greatly diminished, and more importantly, I found I didn’t really care about winning or losing. Sounds like the stuff was working. I didn’t even get upset when they announced my flight had been delayed an hour due to a snow storm in Boston. Normally I would have been freaked out; instead, I just sat there, grinning.

An hour later we boarded the plane, and things went just like they should have. We took off, I turned on my MP3 player, and I went to sleep. I was awaken twice by flight attendants asking me if I wanted water. No — I wanted to sleep. I woke up, covered in drool, as we made our final descent. A few people mentioned that the landing was a little bumpy. I either didn’t notice, or didn’t care. I can’t remember.

Boston had a nice dusting of snow on everything this morning. Class has been good so far, and I’m looking forward to the rest of the week.