I’m neither a doctor nor am I an expert on eating disorders (obviously), but over the past couple of days I’ve begun experiencing some sort of mental issues with my diet and food intake. As I stated earlier in the week, due to three birthdays last week (all of which resulted in the consumption of cake and ice cream) I ended up gaining almost a full pound. To repent, I decided this week I would both up my exercise routine and cut my calorie intake down to a stricter 1,000 calories a day. The end result has definitely produced some strange mental results.
Over the past two days I’ve noticed I’ve become obsessed with the amount of calories on things. Not like “picking wheat bread over white” but like picking cheese off of sandwiches or getting upset after discovering I’d had 1,100 calories in a day, 100 more than my intended goal. For the record, to simply maintain my weight I’m allowed (at least) an additional 2,000 calories. Today at lunch I skipped eating broccoli, not because I don’t care for it (which I don’t) but because I didn’t want to eat the small amount of cheese on top of it that I need to be able to gag it down. Instead I ate salad, vegetables, and baked fish. I didn’t get any sugar-free dessert because I didn’t feel like I deserved any.
I’ve upped my daily walks from 1 mile to between 2 and 3, depending on the amount if times I go. Last night during the final stretch of my walk I started getting a little light headed and found myself swerving a bit. I know I haven’t been drinking enough water lately so it was probably a combination of that, and the diet, and the increased exercise, and whatever else. Today at work I feel drained and tired. It’s hard to focus on any one task for any given length of time. I feel like I need a nap and a hamburger but I can’t decide in which order. For the past few days I’ve had a single piece of wheat toast for breakfast and have been searching for something less than that (60 calories).
When it comes to eating “regular” food now I seem to have two new feelings: guilt, and replusion. If I had a Big Mac in front of me I don’t know that I could eat it at this point. I’m not trying to be melodramatic here, but the thought of however many calories are in a Big Mac (Edit: 704) bothers me. I think the only way I could eat one would be if I had one for lunch and then skipped dinner. I know something’s changing in my brain. I also feel repulsed and disgusted and embarassed knowing that I have eaten two Big Macs in a sitting before, or had half a dozen pieces of pizza (or more) at a buffet at 300 calories apiece. I have eaten more calories in bread sticks in a single sitting than I consumed all day yesterday. Right before we began our diets I had a meal at Olive Garden that I’m guessing weighed in at around 2,000 calories. I’m not sure I can ever eat that stuff again. Wait, that’s not true. I’m not sure I can ever eat that stuff again and not feel guilty about it and hate myself for it. Things are strange right now. I will be glad when I get to a point where I am just “maintaining” my weight and not pushing to lose so much. It’s tiring. Sometimes I feel myself getting angry when people serve me “too much food” and I’ve found myself getting angry at myself for eating it.
If I do begin to show signs of anorexia or some other eating disorder, someone stop me … when I get down to around 200 or so.