Stupid Cold, Stupid Hat

Two weeks ago, I bought stupid hat on Amazon.

Prior to stupid hat I had a blue, slightly less stupid-looking hat with a patch on it from Meow Wolf. Then I lost it, and I don’t want to buy another one from Meow Wolf because I have hopes of finding the one I lost. So instead I went on Amazon and bought a temporary replacement. The new hat is oversized, and the color is “Heather Black.” More on those two things in a moment.

For Christmas, Mason bought me a stocking cap from OU. I like it very much, but it’s pretty snug. It’s great for wearing outside to and from the car but feels a little too tight to wear all day long. At home my desk is located next to a large window, and when it’s cold outside it’s kind of cold inside, too. I thought the oversized hat would be more comfortable to wear all day, and it is, but “oversized” is less of an actual size and more of a style. Worn high on the head, the top part of the hat flops over. Pulled down tight, I look like I’m trying to conceal my identity. The third open, rolling the hat up a cuff, makes me look like one of the bandits from Home Alone, according to my wife. For now I’m trying to find the sweet spot between options ones and two.

On Amazon, the hat is being worn by a woman. Next to the picture are the words “Heather Black.” I did not know “Heather Black” was a color. I thought the hat was black, and the woman’s name was Heather. Depending on the light, the hat looks either gray or brown. Heather, why didn’t you tell me?

According to my phone it was 14F this morning when I went outside to bring up our trash dumpsters, and I’m sure with the wind chill it felt colder than that. I went outside wearing a hoodie and a pair of cargo shorts, and regretted it so quickly I almost double-backed to put on more clothes. It was the type of cold you can’t trick yourself into believing it’s not that cold. I shuffled my way quickly up and down the driveway just in case any patches of ice had formed, and made it back to the house with numb hands, chattering teeth, and a reminder that people occasionally freeze to death.

I spent the rest of the morning chilled, just like the old person I’m becoming. While working I dreamed of wool socks, electric blankets and a foot heater. Or maybe a nice shawl that I could drape across my lap.

And for most of the day, I wore stupid hat because my head was cold, and my neck was cold, and my ears were cold. And I did not care that I looked stupid.