Back in 2018 Susan and I were furloughed for over a month. Financially it was a difficult time. We had just purchased a new house, our old house hadn’t sold yet, and with two mortgages, car payments, and Christmas approaching, both Susan and I suddenly stopped receiving paychecks. But even more than the financial stress was the emotional toll. I became depressed as the longer the shutdown went the more I began to feel like I was not a valuable asset to the federal government. I felt like I wasn’t wanted.

The difference between then and now, and I say this honestly and without any emotion, is that this time I already know I am not valued or wanted. Last time it was a shock; this time, it’s been openly expressed. I don’t mean by my immediate coworkers or even my organization, but by the government and current administration as a whole. This year has been a non-stop assault on federal employees. The year began with what can only be described as a hostile takeover of federal mail systems, mailing lists, and data centers. DOGE (the Department of Government Efficiency) was established to streamline and downsize the government. Elon Musk, who was leading the effort, publicly stated that many of the decisions being made were not to improve processes but to “get federal employees to quit.” Then became the “Fork in the Road” email, in which federal employees were told to “justify your existence” by emailing HR five accomplishments every week. Not sending the list was considered to be the same as a resignation. The emails were sent to an unmonitored mailbox that almost immediately filled up. As far as anyone knows none of the data collected was used for anything. I’ve done the math and assuming every federal employee spent five minutes a week compiling their list, the total cost of this exercise to taxpayers was more than $200,000,000.

In further attempts to downsize the government, 25,000 probationary employees were terminated without cause. That was followed by the Deferred Resignation Program (DRP), where federal employees were offered the opportunity to resign in exchange for paid leave for the remainder of the fiscal year.

The result of these efforts is that approximately 275,000 federal employees have left the federal workforce this year. Many of these people contained decades of irreplaceable experience and knowledge, and due to a hiring freeze none of those positions have been backfilled. At work we have been told to find new ways to do more with less. Do what you can and when you reach 40 hours, clock out.

As the impending shutdown approached the president offered a new threat that his administration would this time to issue large RIFs across the federal workforce. RIF stands for Reduction in Force; it’s government speak for layoffs. Nobody knows what percentage of employees might be laid off or what the criteria will be. Nobody knows anything.

For nine months I have watched federal agencies get gutted, friends get laid off, and coworkers resign. While insultingly being forced to justify my position on a weekly basis I repeatedly received emails suggesting I resign.

In 30 years I’ve never felt this way before, but I am ready for a break from the madness. As members of Congress point fingers and worry more about how their party will come off after each press conference. Instead of calming the flames and attempting to facilitate a meeting, our president keeps posting racist AI videos to social media. The government I swore an oath to serve and defend seems unrecognizable to me.

Since the last furlough, Susan has retired from the FAA and currently has alternate streams of income. We only have one mortgage (lol) and all our cars are paid off, so we are in a much better place financially this time. I can’t go forever without a paycheck but for now I’m good. We’ll be switching to “lockdown mode” by cutting spending and financially, we’ll be okay.

Whatever happens, mentally I’ll be okay, too.